desire for the abundant

The question seems to be plaguing me these days... what is my desire? Does anything in my life align with it? What did I just live these 24 hours for... or rather, who?

I'm painfully aware of how selfish my desire really is - that it is oftentimes so far from being an abundance of the Lord. Not that I'm desiring material things; I simply compare, count my losses, and try to avoid the lonely bout with self-pity...scheming ways I can be more the person I would love and sometimes long to be.

I'm forced to count my blessings. My team, my job, my provision, my 'circle', the list always goes on...leaving me humbled and on my knees with hands lifted. And so God clears the clouds: Just because I'm not able to check the next life goal off my list right now doesn't mean my life is falling apart. It means I'm living it. Not prophetic, I know. But to come to grips with simply being on a journey - that I am in a so called "in-between" stage of life can be life-altering. It changes my perspective. It leaves me at peace. God doesn't call any of us to be in a place of having it all figured out and under control. I can honestly say that's one of my favorite things about following Christ - being able to rest in the truth that God's got it under control. I have my responsibilities yes, praise God, but I'm not the boss. I'm the one in a spot to minute by minute be desperately depending on the one who knows infinitely more and has a (really much more creative) greater plan than I could ever come up with for my life.

In reality, the questions and the worry, the doubts, fears ... and the life goals will just keep on coming. You check them off and rid yourself of them only to stumble upon the next beast around the closest corner. And living for that - that will leave you confused, frustrated, and plainly bitter. I am called to live in abundance! To trust Him with every crack and crevice. We're not a people meant to be lost... And to truly live like that - how could you keep it to yourself? We're to live the abundant life and bring others along for the ride.

I'll still question, of course. I'll always want to know more, to check off just one more thing from my "life list," it's how God made me. But if I can switch that innate desire to have it all figured out, the constant pressing to arrive at the next big thing - and turn that into desire to simply know God's truths, his promises, his goodness - to just REST in those - what a joyfully abundant life I could live! I would be free to enjoy today for what it is, to live for knowing God more - and desiring Him more.